A recent report in the American Journal of Really, Really, Really Alternative Medicine says that scientists have now discovered the radical negative effects of second-hand eating. It seems that extensively limited, not-so conclusive, pretty much made-up-research shows a phenomenon whereby most of the calories of the food being eaten by those sitting around you inexplicably jump into your food. Thus, you are not only eating your own meal, but it’s as if you are eating the meals of EVERYONE around you! In an even less exhaustive study, it was further discovered that the thinner the person eating next to you is, the more calories jump from their food to yours.
Doctors are now advising people trying to lose weight to avoid any type of social gathering where food is involved, especially any kind of social outings, office lunches, weddings, family barbecues and Chilli cook-offs. In view of these staggering conclusions, ministries of Health the world over are recommending restaurants immediately designate specific non-eating areas. A janitor who works for the World Health Organization headquarters in Urscrued, Indiana, said that he thinks he overheard someone in the men’s washroom on the third floor say that the eventual goal is to make all public areas food-free by the year 2020.
I want you to forget all about your current diet plan and the spinning class you will one day conquer (even if it kills you). Now forget everything you know about diet food and exercise and quick weight loss schemes. Forget all about calorie counting and colonic irrigation. Instead, I want you to think of only one thing. Ready? The ONLY thing I want on your mind right now is LOVE. Yeah, really!
If I asked you to name the people you love most in the whole world, who would make the cut? Would it be your spouse? I bet your children would be at the top of your list, so would your parents and siblings. How about Brad Pitt (I’m more partial to George Clooney, but to each her own!)? Maybe you love your best friend who knows all your deep dark secrets and still hangs out with you, or your ninth grade teacher who ignited your lifelong obsession with 11th century Russian poetry, or your butcher who always saves you the best cuts of beef and calls you “young lady”?
I’m sure your list of loved ones is probably quite long. But I bet you dollars to donuts (trans-fat free, baked-not-fried, of course), that your list would not be complete no matter how many people you name. How do I know that if I don’t even know you personally? Well, because what I do know, is that most of us who are chronically struggling with weight loss have a very hard time loving the indisputably, undeniably, single MOST important person in our lives. Can you guess who it is?
Y O U !!!!
Yes, Y-O-U, YOU! That funny, quirky, kind, wonderful, beautiful, smart, capable lady you go to bed with every night and wake up with every morning. So, Jes, you ask, why is loving myself so essential to permanent weight loss? Good question! For the answer, stay tuned to next installment of The Weigh In….
In the last thirty years, I have personally tried every single diet known to man and woman… well, mostly woman. From the South Beach diet to the Beverly Hills diet: from the Cabbage Soup diet to the Eat-Only-Every-Other-Tuesday diet; from All Carbs, to Low Carbs to No Carbs; from the Have-Your-Jaw-Wired-Shut diet to the Orange-Foods-Only diet; I have been on them all. I even tried the Eat-Only-Your-Children’s-Leftovers diet, but my kids got really sick of my sitting next to them at dinner constantly asking them “aren’t you finished yet?” before they even touched their food.
Now, the fact that I have been on all these diets would lead you to believe that I am an abject failure at losing weight. Actually, quite the opposite is true. I have lost enough pounds to equal the combined total weight of the entire Japanese Olympic Sumo Wrestling team. The problem isn’t that I am not a good weight loser; the problem is that I am an even better weight gainer. I have yet to hit on the diet that doesn’t just lead me to lose weight, but also enables me to keep it off for good.
In order to really work, the goal of a successful weight loss plan must ultimately be to teach you to change your eating habits so the weight stays off permanently. A diet program MUST, in my humble but experienced opinion, meet the following criteria. A) Simplicity: I do not want a diet that comes with a 942 page instruction book and I don’t want a diet that requires a degree from MIT to accurately measure 1.2 micrograms of salad dressing. B) Variety: I don’t want to eat unlimited quantities of steak and cheese, and nothing else, for the first 6 weeks. C) Nutritional Soundness: I don’t want a diet so lacking in essential nutrients that I need to take 40 different supplements to keep me from getting scurvy and my bones from turning to dust.
But truthfully, above all, I want a diet that allows me to eat enough food to feel full. It is that feeling of fullness and satisfaction that ultimately allows us to stick to a diet long-term and helps us to keep thoughts of food from consuming our every waking moment.
DOES THIS EVEN EXIST????