A recent report in the American Journal of Really, Really, Really Alternative Medicine says that scientists have now discovered the radical negative effects of second-hand eating. It seems that extensively limited, not-so conclusive, pretty much made-up-research shows a phenomenon whereby most of the calories of the food being eaten by those sitting around you inexplicably jump into your food. Thus, you are not only eating your own meal, but it’s as if you are eating the meals of EVERYONE around you! In an even less exhaustive study, it was further discovered that the thinner the person eating next to you is, the more calories jump from their food to yours.
Doctors are now advising people trying to lose weight to avoid any type of social gathering where food is involved, especially any kind of social outings, office lunches, weddings, family barbecues and Chilli cook-offs. In view of these staggering conclusions, ministries of Health the world over are recommending restaurants immediately designate specific non-eating areas. A janitor who works for the World Health Organization headquarters in Urscrued, Indiana, said that he thinks he overheard someone in the men’s washroom on the third floor say that the eventual goal is to make all public areas food-free by the year 2020.